


Nothing I hate More (Than Pushing You Away)

by Snakebitten_Heart



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, a conversation with rin is also mentioned, i don't know what to tag this other than complete angst, im sorry if this hurts a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-31 09:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3973540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snakebitten_Heart/pseuds/Snakebitten_Heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the universe where Haru never goes to Australia, never finds out what he wants, and, consequently, loses the best thing that ever happened to him</p>
<p>"He kisses him, and it takes like goodbye."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing I hate More (Than Pushing You Away)

**Author's Note:**

> [Ignores details in favor of dialogue because that's always good]  
> Please don't say anything negative, I know.

**451 mi.**

They haven’t been apart for longer than a month in years.

(When they were fourteen, Makoto spent a month in a summer camp, and Haru ended up calling him so much he cut the trip short.)

Makoto is a part of Haru as much as the water he practically lives in each and every day.

He hasn’t seen him in twenty days, though.

__________

(“I’ll never leave you,” Makoto said when they were six. “Haru-chan will always be my best friend.”

The memory turns vile in his throat.)

__________

“I’ll be back in time for the tournaments,” Makoto smiles. (It’s fake, and it burns a hole in his chest because it’s not _him_ , not the Makoto he knows.)

_“Maybe this is good for us,”_ goes unspoken.

__________

Standing here, gazing towards the sky overlooking a shore that seems to run for miles- this isn’t how it was supposed to go. Makoto wasn’t supposed to leave _ever_. Haru- he doesn’t know what to do now that the sun is no longer painting tans across his back, now that the only color he’s seen for weeks is gray, gray, endless charcoal _gray_.

__________

_(“You’re wasting your talent, Haru. I can’t believe- Why?”_

_“That isn’t what I want to do, Rin.”_

_“Then what is?”_

_“I don’t... know...”_

_“He’s not going to stay forever.”)_

**  
**

**0.000378788 mi.**

“You’re home early.” The words nip at his tongue, cut oxygen from his lungs, leave his hands white and bloodless, tingling with the pain of being so _close_ though he knows it will never be like it was again.

“I guess... I am.” _For now. For them._

__________

 

“I had this dream, once.”

“Yeah?” Makoto rasps, fingers tangling in endless threads of onyx, words just this side of breathy and fucked-out.

“I was standing beside a pool-”

“Haru that sounds like every other dream you have,” he chuckles, lightly.

“Shush. I was- yeah, so.. Rin was there. And you were somewhere far. But I knew…” _you’d always come back_ lodges itself in his throat. “Never mind, actually. It was.. it was just a dream.”

_It will always be just a dream._

“Haru?”

Stop. _(Dont go…)_

**  
**

**3.002381 mi**

 

“Haru, are you listening to me?”

“Yeah, mom. Sorry.”

Sweat beads leave a trail down his arms and neck, drenching the collar his one clean school shirt in a feeling most foul.

“Is something wrong?” she pries.

“No.”

“I’m worried about you, you know. Mako-kun sure has his hands full, it seems. How is he?”

_I don’t know. We don’t speak much anymore. Ask his mom._

“He’s fine.”

**  
**

**0.00189394 mi.**

“Haru? I stopped by the store on my way over. Do you want to maybe watch a movie or something tonight? I can make dinner.”

_Always._

The lock on the door clicks. Haru tries hard not to think about the face Makoto will make, tells himself this is right.

“I-”

“Dont. Just… Stop already.”

__________

_(“Stop running, Haru.”_

_“I never had anywhere to go. It’s you…”)_

__________

“I guess you’re not home, then.”

He thinks distantly they should stop pretending like everything is okay.

(It’s never going to be okay.)

**  
**

**0.0568182, 0.0378788, 0.0189394 mi.**

 

“Mako-chan told me that he’s going to bring us souvenirs, isn’t that so cool?”

“Nagisa, be careful. Don’t stand so close to the edge of the track. There’s tape here for a reason.”

Yellow is a tacky color, Haru thinks. Except then, Makoto is- _was_ \- the sun, and there’s nothing tacky about him.

_“The train is pulling into the gate. Please stay behind the yellow tape.”_

__________

“Mako-chan! Welcome home!”

“You’re still heavy, Nagisa,” he laughs. His smile is blinding. “Rei.”

“Welcome back, Makoto-senpai.”

Haru holds his breath.

“Haru.” Makoto nods, stiff and formal. “Good to see you again.”

Haru turns on his heel and runs.

**0.000189394 mi.**

“Haru you- I can’t just- you know it’s not the same as before.”

(When will it ever be?)

“ _You’re_ leaving _me_.”

_(“You could go with him.”)_

“I’m sorry...”

He kisses him, and it tastes like goodbye.

 

**0.00151515 mi.**

“I’m leaving next week, you know.”

_For good._

Something in his chest screams- no, _breaks._

__________

_(“I’m going to Tokyo Haru. I... I see my life out there.”_

_“Without me?”_

_“I don’t know what you want me to say... I’m sorry?”)_

__________

“Haru? You didn’t forget, did you?”

“No, I know. I guess.. that's it, then."

__________

_(“It doesn’t have to be like that, you know? Don’t you have dreams out there too?”_

_“They don’t matter. Not without him.”)_

**  
**

**Author's Note:**

> Shut up because I'm proud of my mess. 
> 
> For any of you wondering, the translated distances are as follows:  
> 451 miles  
> 2 feet  
> 3 miles (made up decimals because the point is Makoto is not currently with Haru)  
> About 10 feet  
> 300 feet, 200 feet, 100 feet (a train in motion)  
> About a foot  
> 8 feet 
> 
> If you enjoyed, leave kudos and comments.  
> Find me [here](http://www.vxrbatiim.tumblr.com/html/)


End file.
